watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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