if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
