finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
