I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Oh god it's open bar.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
