apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I miss vodka workout Fridays
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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