hotel room ftw
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
