apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
