Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
