I wish I could punch you in the face.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
