Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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