Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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