I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you traded sex for a burrito?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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