I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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