What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When did angry sex become our thing?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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