i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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