I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
