i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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