Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
