It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
