"it" just moved
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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