Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
