hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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