I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize