Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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