By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
