I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize