Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
