Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
