he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
