Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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