I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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