I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
