The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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