Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
