my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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