i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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