About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
