He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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