I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
youre lurking in front of me
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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