I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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