My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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