I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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