she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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