You're my little dorito
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
