I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
