Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
