got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
