I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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