I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
