What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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