I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
