Umm I'm too high to move.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
